Right from the beginning, I felt adoption is the right thing to do. But when I saw that so many parents are waiting and those could be with no child, I felt conflicted on whether I deserve to. Whether it is fair on me to be in the list.
I had written two blog posts on the above.
The desire to adopt vs the question of being fair remained an unresolved conflict.
Many days I had been fighting to resolve this conflict.
During my yearly Guru Poornima Pooja offering to Sadhguru, I put forth this turmoil while tears rolled during his Presence. Felt a lot lighter after putting it forth to my guru.
To my utter surprise, the next day morning, I got a SMS. "Congratulations! Profile of child/children have been referred. Kindly reserve within 48 hours..." From CARA.
Out of disbelief, I pinched myself to ensure I was not dreaming.
Next moment, I was in cloud 9 calling my husband, best friend, family and my heart would not stop fluttering.
I spent sleepless nights awaiting for the appointment, anxious whether it will go through.
The coordinator sounded rude and disinterested in us being selected.
After several follow-ups, when we almost thought they are going to decline, suddenly they gave an appointment in a span of 2 days notice. Due to short notice, flight costs were expensive. They were not ready to tell the process clearly and not even confirm when we can return, so we couldn't book our return journey.
Another shock was they were expecting references from that city. We have never been to the city or even the states nearby. So casted a wide net to my school friends to colleagues to relatives to know whoever are in that state.
To my luck one of my friend's colleague's brother and a long lost touch school friend's student were eager to help. Literally they were divine sent for the need of the hour. They didn't even clearly specify exactly what documents we should bring. So we brought everything starting from school certificates to work experience to what not they may ask. (Based on the experience with home study).
The coordinator showed complete disinterest in us and was impatient to answer our queries.
But the eagerness to meet our fortune outweighed those setbacks. Just wanted to make it happen..
The day came and the interview started. When the coordinator asked when you already have a child why do you want to adopt one? I said I wanted to be a mother to a motherless child.
She will be a sibling to our daughter, and fulfilment to our family. We have the desire to raise the adopted child as our own child.. etc.. The way they were drilling with questions I felt hopeless.
While my husband was translating every sentence back and forth (from hindi to english/tamil and vice versa), I felt like an uneducated dud who couldn't even speak fully formed sentences. I felt their questions were pretty hostile.
Why come here to <state name> when you are from Tamil Nadu?
Why do you want a girl child?
Why do you want to adopt?
More than an hour of questioning. Then verification of documents..
So many irrelevant questions were running in my head in the attempt of reading between the lines of their questions.
Time stood still and the waiting felt like ever.
Few earlier remarks from people close to me constantly rang in my head.
One was
"Will you be able to treat your first and this new child equally? or else it won't be fair for this child."
Another was
" Even if you do, will others around you treat them the same way? Don't bring a child here who would be better off elsewhere".
The worst of all
"How do you deserve when there are so many parents waiting without even one child?"
My thoughts went haywire.
The waiting felt like those moments.
It was like that moment when one waits to know the answer for a love proposal.
It was like that moment of a much awaited admission or a career making interview.
It was like waiting in the cross junction knowing not what path would I be allowed to.
Finally, the door opened.
Swiftly I rose to my feet, my heart racing and my hand reaching out, my first words bluttered out "அம்மா கிட்ட வா செல்லம்" (Come to your mother, sweet heart).
யாசிக்கும் பொழுது யோசிக்க இயலாது.
That was love at first sight.
Love can't reason out.
When I first laid my eyes on her it was a deep gushing connection that was strong, undoubted, deep and worth it all affair.. With my first born, there was a sense of entitlement though it was a divine blessing, she is my child.
With this offered one, there was a sense of receiving from a divine blessing, she is my child..
I felt so humble praying to get her in my arms that there was no question of whether I deserve her.
Tears of bursting joy ran unstoppable.
I thanked Sadhguru and felt it was his grace that I received her.
அருள் வடிவாய் வந்த பிரசாதமே.
A song was composing in my head. என்ன தவம் செய்தேனோ ... உனை மகளாய் நான் பெற
(What dhavam did I do to get a daughter like you)
If I translate in English it doesn't sound right. Penance is not the right word for dhavam. "Dhavam is usually used to refer to strenuous meditation Rishis did to either realize self or God or to obtains some boons." This sounds closer to what I mean.
She is such a charming, loving, adorable bundle of joy.
I was pleasantly surprised with the way everyone responded to the news. Only a few were raising eyebrows. But the majority welcomed the new addition to the family.
Most importantly the closer circle treat her just like my elder daughter. Infact this charming laddu takes precedence at cases. She is my cute little adorable Krishna.
என்ன தவம் செய்தேனோ *****
குறும்பு கரும்புனை மகளாய் நான் பெற
என்ன தவம் செய்தேனோ..
After that the coordinator changed and we are able to communicate to the head directly. So after adoption it was pretty good relation with them. Especially the head was very loving and close to her and both of them were endearing to each other.
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