One of my friend forwarded a message about the pressure on studies which had affected the son and father's relation. I understand that if the forward is true, Sujatha had written that in his biography inorder to state the issue of childhood trauma caused due to constant pressure to study and score marks. However that message also justifies the son's action, which I feel is the wrong approach.This spun to a discussion among my friends and one of my friend stated that "Childhood experiences matter the most in anyone's life. Nobody chooses to detach, it just happens. What impressions the innocent child got, stays in his mind fresh and it is very dangerously strong. That part of the brain operates beyond logic".
I agree on the part that emotions beat logic especially in childhood and it is nearly impossible to uproot the hatred that the oppression had created. It is true until the point you become a parent yourself. But the moment you become a parent there is a revelation about the struggle and pressure on the parent to bring up the child in the best possible way. It is not too difficult to realize they had given their best based on the experience and knowledge that they had during that generation. When that understanding breathes in, it is not too difficult to dilute that hatred and empathize with them. It is not possible to have a fantastic relation like in the movies after so much of childhood trauma. But it is still possible not to neglect the relation, but try make it work to some extent. For maintaining any relationship, one needs to constantly work towards its betterment. "Out of sight out of mind" does not apply only to puppy love, but also to friends and family. If you do not constantly work on maintaining the relationship, your own parent or spouse will become a stranger to you.
What Sujatha should have done is explain this to the son - "Your parents are too old to change. They were born and brought up in a mindset that only studies can give you a good future and had been a bit tyrranic in instilling it. Though as a child you were hurt, now that you are an adult and a parent, ask yourself "would you want to be forgiven or punished for the mistakes that you do as a parent by your child?". By being disconnected to them, they are actually suffering your loss, as you are their world. Motivate them to pick up a hobby that they may be interested. Show them some videos of their grandchildren. Take them to some trip in India which would suit their health. Though they didn't give good memories of your childhood, you can give them great memories for their old age. Isn't it? Instead of thinking I, I, I, think how you can include them in your life. Even if it is once in a year or two, make it memorable for them and enjoyable to the whole family. If you still cannot figure out, seek the advise of a family counsellor. Pressuring you to study all the time during your childhood is bad, but think about the drunkard parents who don't even provide basic food, clothing and send their children to work instead of school. Even those unfortunate children are supporting and loving their parents, why can't you?"
And I would tell the father "It is pretty difficult to be lonely and I understand how you miss your children. But didn't you make them study so that they can achieve something great in life? They have achieved and are enjoying the fruits of it. But unfortunately that has also caused this situation where you cannot see them often. We can't have the cake and eat it too. When they have to explore opportunities, they do have to go where it is available. That said, even if they come once in a year or two, you can still make it memorable. Identify the common interests for you and your son and grandchildren. Try to make the situation such that you are making the trip enjoyable and memorable for them. Discuss their interests, hobbies and connect with them in such a way that they themselves want to visit you often. Stop complaining and whining about them not being for more than 5 days. Make those 5 days so memorable by enthusiastically planning about it. Talk to them and see how you can resolve it."
I agree on the part that emotions beat logic especially in childhood and it is nearly impossible to uproot the hatred that the oppression had created. It is true until the point you become a parent yourself. But the moment you become a parent there is a revelation about the struggle and pressure on the parent to bring up the child in the best possible way. It is not too difficult to realize they had given their best based on the experience and knowledge that they had during that generation. When that understanding breathes in, it is not too difficult to dilute that hatred and empathize with them. It is not possible to have a fantastic relation like in the movies after so much of childhood trauma. But it is still possible not to neglect the relation, but try make it work to some extent. For maintaining any relationship, one needs to constantly work towards its betterment. "Out of sight out of mind" does not apply only to puppy love, but also to friends and family. If you do not constantly work on maintaining the relationship, your own parent or spouse will become a stranger to you.
What Sujatha should have done is explain this to the son - "Your parents are too old to change. They were born and brought up in a mindset that only studies can give you a good future and had been a bit tyrranic in instilling it. Though as a child you were hurt, now that you are an adult and a parent, ask yourself "would you want to be forgiven or punished for the mistakes that you do as a parent by your child?". By being disconnected to them, they are actually suffering your loss, as you are their world. Motivate them to pick up a hobby that they may be interested. Show them some videos of their grandchildren. Take them to some trip in India which would suit their health. Though they didn't give good memories of your childhood, you can give them great memories for their old age. Isn't it? Instead of thinking I, I, I, think how you can include them in your life. Even if it is once in a year or two, make it memorable for them and enjoyable to the whole family. If you still cannot figure out, seek the advise of a family counsellor. Pressuring you to study all the time during your childhood is bad, but think about the drunkard parents who don't even provide basic food, clothing and send their children to work instead of school. Even those unfortunate children are supporting and loving their parents, why can't you?"
And I would tell the father "It is pretty difficult to be lonely and I understand how you miss your children. But didn't you make them study so that they can achieve something great in life? They have achieved and are enjoying the fruits of it. But unfortunately that has also caused this situation where you cannot see them often. We can't have the cake and eat it too. When they have to explore opportunities, they do have to go where it is available. That said, even if they come once in a year or two, you can still make it memorable. Identify the common interests for you and your son and grandchildren. Try to make the situation such that you are making the trip enjoyable and memorable for them. Discuss their interests, hobbies and connect with them in such a way that they themselves want to visit you often. Stop complaining and whining about them not being for more than 5 days. Make those 5 days so memorable by enthusiastically planning about it. Talk to them and see how you can resolve it."
I wouldn't forward the son's message to the father and mess up their relation. It is very much true that parents should not pressurize their children to only study and make them xerox copies of books or tape recorders who replay. But parents should influence them to be thinkers, artists, achievers in whatever they are interested and good at. But what is the use of telling it to the father? This needs to be put in to the right forum for young parents.
Nowadays all relations are falling apart because there is no sincere attempt to preserve it. Everyone wants to play the blame game rather than sit and resolve it. Even if someone has done a mistake or a crime, one should look at how it can be handled now. In our earlier generations, relations were preserved due to fear and social pressure. Now that the fear and social pressure is wearing off, the true colour of the relations are being exposed. Relations can be preserved only with love, understanding and empathy and one needs to constantly devote time to communicate and stay connected. If not, it wears off.
Below is the forwarded message I received:
Nowadays all relations are falling apart because there is no sincere attempt to preserve it. Everyone wants to play the blame game rather than sit and resolve it. Even if someone has done a mistake or a crime, one should look at how it can be handled now. In our earlier generations, relations were preserved due to fear and social pressure. Now that the fear and social pressure is wearing off, the true colour of the relations are being exposed. Relations can be preserved only with love, understanding and empathy and one needs to constantly devote time to communicate and stay connected. If not, it wears off.
Below is the forwarded message I received:
"Please read. For all parents who push kids to study all the time..A extract from writer Sujatha’s biography. A must read. Good one.
For all parents who force their children to study. Is life just dangling in future alone??
I recently got an E-mail. It’s from a worried father of two sons. He is a successful central government employee. Starting his career as a fresher and completed his whole career as a senior officer before retiring. He has two sons. Both of them well settled with their family. One is living in America, and the another one living in Australia. He is living along with his wife, in his native city, Trichy. His only problem is severe depression from loneliness. His wife is suffering from arthritis, and he has Asthma and they can’t settle in colder countries with their sons. Their sons rarely visit them. Even for two years, they wouldn't visit once. Even if they do, they would stay hardly for 5 days and that too, would hardly spend 5 hours with them.
My second son likes to read a lot of your books. He buys them when he visits India. If you could write an email to him, explaining our state, he might understand us. He requested. I generally don’t get into other's family problem. But when he insisted, I just forwarded his mail to his son.
After a week's delay, there was response from his son. A lengthy email that made me think a lot about present education and its psychological effects. His son's mail read as, "I lived in Trichy for 22 whole years. But I don’t have any bonding with my native town. For 22 years, I have been with my parents. But I don’t have any sweet memories of them. My father, has always planned to make me an Engineer. He even planned it right before my LKG.
Every day, he would sit along and teach lessons. After that my mother would. Studying in the school, then studying at home, it’s all the only memories of my childhood that I carry around. Even during leaves, even on summer holidays, its English Grammar and Maths Algebra. Even for festivals like Pongal, and Diwali, there's nothing for me to celebrate, just studying.
Sometimes, I would lie down and think if I have anything to remember from my childhood. Anywhere, any happy occasion. Nothing. Atleast If I got any bad occasion, to remember. Nothing. Its just plain studying, studying, studying.
My school was worse than that. It’s a private school. It is ranked best for squeezing my childhood into marks. People would stand in queues even to get admission. There were teachers to assist us the moment we enter the school and would stay with us till we leave the campus. There's no way, they would let me laugh or play. It’s just study, study, study.
Even in that, study, I have nothing to amuse myself. I didn’t learn anything out of the box from that education. None introduced me to novels or art. Only thing they taught me is to xerox the whole text with just my memory and write on the exam papers.
After finishing my graduation in the same way, and getting employed in America, I just figured out on my own, how happy life can be. Travelling, meeting friends, reading novels, hearing music, were all making me very happy. Our mind, just remembers the place, where it is very happy. It assumes that, that place is our native. That’s, how I love the cities in America more than Trichy. Now Trichy is like a strange city to me. I can’t stay for more than a day in it.
I have respect for my parents. I am grateful to them. But I can’t talk for more than half an hour with them. For 22 years, they hid this world from me and made me study. They stole 22 prime years of my childhood. Nothing more I can think about them. If I have to love them, I should have understood them. I just see them as strangers.
For the 22 years, I have been with them, we never had any general discussions. They only frightened me with their fears of studies, and my future. Even If I force myself to speak with them, I have nothing to talk. Even now, they frighten me with questions like, how much I earn and what are my savings plan. They ask me not to travel, and not to buy books. They are asking me to live their life.
Now tell me, How do you expect me to talk with them, when we don’t even have common interests to discuss even for 1/2 an hour. Even if I try artificially, I can’t. How do you expect me to stay in a city that has long become strange for me. I can force myself for 5 days, for the gratitude and respect. What can I do after that."
I forwarded that mail as such to his father. His father just read that mail and didn’t understand a bit. Out of his own frustration, he replied, that his son is disrespectful and irresponsible. After a month, he just mailed me saying, If I could call his son for Diwali.
Diwali is a celebration for children. Children like it a lot. When we grow up, we celebrate less and just carry the happy memories of the childhood celebrations. Your son says, he doesn’t have any such memories. You have taken away all his enjoyment and colorfulness from his life. I replied.
He never wrote back any mail. Life is not a struggle for securing the future. is to make every minute memorable with colors. It is for that same reason, we have festivals and celebrations. It is what our ancestors framed for us.
Tomorrow is important. But today is more important.
A must read for young parents"
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