My friend called me and happily shared that she was conceived again. My immediate question was "Was it planned or unplanned?" The reason I asked is that we had discussed earlier in length about population control. She then explained that her son needs a companion at home and hence it is for his sake. "Then why not adopt?" Though I thought, I didnt ask. But she clarified that her parents will not treat both the children the same way and it would affect the adopted child. Had she brought in this topic I would have told my thoughts. But now that the deed is done, all I could say is "Take care". I could sense the disappointment "What an insensitive response? Not even a congrats??" But I just changed the topic. I felt very sorry and had an untold burden in my heart. Not because I didn't congratulate her. It was because I couldn't tell her what was in my mind. It would be cruel to make her feel uncomfortable at that moment. But then I thought I need to put this across in the blog post so that my thoughts could flow out and maybe change yet another human being's views. So that atleast one would not advise to others to have two own children.
In this densely populated country, where most of them reside in flats or closely walled houses, it is a joke to say that you can't find a companion for your child. You will be able to find some child atleast 2 or 3 years elder or younger in the same apartment or street. But there may be constraints such as you should like the other child and his or her parents, etc. Then the alternative is to find the parents of your wavelength in the class that your child studies. It takes effort, but it is probable that someone would match. Or we can just take the child out to play just by ourselves, so that we can also become fit in the process. Or just take them to the nearby beach or park to find a temporary friend to play with. Anything is possible if there is a will in that direction.
Since I grew up with a sibling I do understand what one of my friend pointed out once. When you finish college and go to work and then get married, slowly or abruptly, all the friends until then vanish. There are a few who stick around and it is pretty rare to maintain the relation with the same intimacy. Whereas the sibling relation stays, in some cases, becomes stronger and offers the emotional support that is much needed during that stage (especially for women). But there are fair number of cases, where the sibling does not even have the time or the opportunity to maintain the relation so. Once when I told a doctor I wish to stop with one child, she advised "the second child is not for you. It is for the sake of your first child. I was grown alone and though I have cousins, I am not able to share my childhood memories with anyone after my parents are gone. It is the sibling who grows along with you and witness those memories." Well, many of my relatives have strained relations with their siblings and do not wish to even talk to them, let alone share anything and in fact some wish they had grown alone so that they do not have to solve family issues related to them. So I would like to remind my dear fellow humans that siblings of both types are possible and you can't plan what kind of sibling one would have.
Since you can't anyway predict what kind of sibling your child would have, even if it is from the same womb, there are pretty equal chances that your child would get such a nice sibling with the one from a different womb. Also you can actually choose the sex of the child. Some of my friends say they wanted their girl child to have a sister, but a boy child was born. And some say the opposite. Next is you can choose the colour of the child matching to your genes and the first child too. Honestly, tell me how many of you actually like your child resembling your mother-in-law or sister-in-law? I have heard many complaints. So in any case you don't have the power to decide the resemblance of your child (to be born from you). Some children are born with absolutely no resemblance to their parents (taking genes from ancestors). So actually if you start grooming the adopted child in your family style, he/she will start looking more like you. And you don't have to go through the labour process. First time it is thrill. Second time you anyway know.
Ok now the dilemma is "even if I am convinced, will my spouse treat the children equally?" My question to you is how many parents actually treat both children equally? Most of them, have their favourite child due to the inherent qualities. It is not probable for you yourself to like both your parents equally, though you may think you are treating them equally. So why worry so much? You take the initiative and do your best to bring up this other child as your own. Well, if you say, I myself may have that problem. Let's take a case, you had the delivery at the same time some other mom had and the babies were switched accidentally and no one noticed. Wont you bring up this other child with as much love and care as you would with your own child? Now when you can do that unconsciously, you can do it consciously too. All you need to do is, just forget it was adopted and completely accept him/her as your own.
Now if your question is "Even if I convinced my spouse, my parents cannot treat them equally." Ok, now let me ask you a question. Did you and your sibling have the same attention from your relatives? I was the favourite for my grandmother out of all my cousins and some were in fact jealous about it. In my father's side (grandparents), one of my cousin was their favourite and some were clearly neglected. Most of my relatives like and treat my sister much more affectionately than me. Well what's wrong in that? A sweet loving and obedient child vs an angry rebel. Anyone would choose the first. Despite the best efforts of my parents, I wasn't their cup of tea. So why really seek approval when it anyway can happen with your own second child?
There is and will be inequalities and unfair treatment in every walk of life. Even if you were lucky to escape it, couldn't you atleast see it happening in someone else's life? In most families the mother contributes much more than the father in the upbringing of the child. But most do not really mind in fancying their father's name as their last name. So why mind about this inequality alone? We don't live in an ideal fair world. Isn't it wiser to bring up your child resilient to these issues rather than trying to avoid them shallowly? Isn't it beneficial to bring up your child as an attention giver rather than an attention seeker? By attention giver, I mean giving attention with wonder on the simplest to complex things in life. When your child's mind is active and seeking knowledge, he/she would not be seeking attention. This would help your child explore his/her complete potential rather than be emotionally handicapped and worry about things that do not matter or that are destructive in nature. So you need to learn to keep your child busy and energetic.
Well if your answer is I don't have time for all that. Then why are you planning for the second? If you can't bring up one child properly, why burden this planet with another unhappy child? Don't ever think your second child will do your work. Second child means double work, double expenses, etc, not less. One of my acquaintance, who is a widow, happened to stay with her son and daughter-in-law and hence had to do the cooking as well as take care of her grandson. She was exhausted in the process. When her son and daughter-in-law planned for the second baby, she was despaired about the next upcoming burden. If you are dependent on someone to bring up your child then their opinion matters the most. If they bring up your child as a burden, it is definitely going to affect the child psychologically, leave alone the moral of you exploiting someone.
Ok if you have the time and the energy, why should you adopt? At the current population rate you own child will not have healthy food and clean water.Your grandchild will have a struggle to survive. Forget about your great grandchild, they wont even exist as the humans would be extinct by then. So do you want to be responsible for bringing this race to extinction? Do you want the hatred of your grandchild leave alone your own child? I am sure a lot of the current generation is cursing the baby boomers generation for this overpopulation and the problems due to that. But what have you done for that? Next time you see the fully jammed road or a crowded temple or face unemployment or worse still become bankrupt, remember this question. What have you done to mend the problem your forefathers have created? Well, if you raise your eye brows and say, just one more child, what is the great difference? The problem is most of the population think this way and actively contribute in speeding the growth. Some state religious reasons, some are ignorant. In any case, only when you understand, you can inspire someone. And thus we unitedly can reverse the problem. If you are just adding one more, so will your friends and relatives and everyone you influence.
Well if you shrug your shoulders and say "come on I belong to the elite class, my child is only going to contribute better to the society.", I beg to differ. There are several reasons. Firstly, just by paying taxes or leading a wealthy life does not necessarily contribute better to the society. Your view translates to "me having a child is more useful to the society than a poor human having a child". This is an extremely materialistic flawed view. You never know which genius is going to come out of a poor human's child. If this point of view becomes the majority, then even a rule may come that based on the family income, the number of children you can have will be sanctioned. Sarcasm aside, I would like to point out that mostly poor people are uneducated and lack the awareness of the problems related to overpopulation. Only if we educated people, who can understand the issues related to population, act on it, we can educate our fellow humans too. It would be inhuman to go and say anyone you cannot have a child or two because you are poor, but I will have because I am well-educated and highly placed in the society. Even in an absolutely materialistic view, this society needs labourers as much as it needs software engineers. Thankfully we are still not in the era of i-robot. Secondly what if some misfortune befalls your family, something that which is out of your control (Eg: The wealthy Jews became paupers in Hitler's regime). Ok if that is far fetched what if your own child is born with deformities or more lightly does not have the intelligence or the potential to be as successful as you? There is no guarantee in any birth right? Thankfully we have still not reached the era of genetically modified superior humans. Nor do we have any guarantee what would happen in one's life such as accidents, wrong influence, etc. So you having a second child contributes to the overpopulation and its related problems as much as a poor human's.
One more reason for why you should adopt is HUMANITY. Some people give me a cold response, "I don't care. I am bothered only about me and my family" Such people can skip this section. The below point would make sense only to people who have some moisture left in their heart. (literally translated from tamizh :)) For non-tamilians, read it as
"only to people who are not stone-hearted."
We are living in a society where there are so many orphanages. Some people have the inclination to atleast donate or help such organisations. Please take an extra step and adopt the child as your own. The reason is, however well-maintained is the orphanage, a child is well-nurtured in a family. Give that opportunity to that child. You and I are well-educated because of the family that we were born. Why don't we give that opportunity to another innocent child? Isn't it a sorry state so many fertility centres as well as orphanages are there at the same time? If you are not naturally conceiving and really adore to have a child, then please adopt a child.
If you are naturally conceiving and definitely want to experience the pregnancy and labour, and have the time and enthusiasm to bring up a child, then just have one child.
If you do not have the time or enthusiasm or the burning desire to bring up a child, then please don't have one for the pressure of your parents or social circle. You are creating a mess in your own life as well as your child's. Most criminals have a history of a horrible childhood. Some parents complain that their spouse was not co-operating or worse still separated and hence could not provide the required environment for the child. Have a child only if you can take complete responsibility no matter what happens with your spouse. Some orphanages have children of one parent too and that is the reason I am stating this explicitly.
If you have not completely got in terms with your spouse, (especially in case of arranged marriages), then please don't plan a child. Your problems will definitely NOT settle after you have a child like your social circle advised. It will only become worse. Then either the child has to witness the ever-fighting unhappy inharmonious couple for the next 20 years (In India, the tradition is no matter what, the couple do not get divorced, though this situation is changing in cities and towns), or will be left with a parent who despises the child. Bring up a happy child or do not create the crime of producing a yet another unhappy child.
Some say having a child is a stage of life. Hell NO! Marriage itself is not a stage of life. If you have the urge and found the right person, then get married. Otherwise it is better off living single than a miserable married life. Marriage is meant for companionship and sharing. Not a license.
So definitely it is not a stage. I have seen happy couples who did not have children and are having a wonderful life. A child is a boon when you are ready physically and emotionally. But can turn to be a curse if you had not made yourself ready for it.
Once I went to one's home whom I did not know well. I saw a child's photo in her TV stand and asked "So you have a son?" She said "I don't have kids and her face turned sorrowful. It was her sister's son. I felt absolutely guilty for asking that. I did not know what to say next and closed the conversation as quickly as possible and left. I had been asked several times after I got married (before I had my child) "So how many kids?" by anyone whom I meet. I, with no hesitation and a broad smile would say "None". I will control my grin when I see that sympathetic expression. Though this question has never touched me, I was sad that I hurt someone else with that question. So I decided next time I will ask a stranger "Who is in your family?", instead of "Are you married? How many kids?" Just my bit to reduce the social pressure. So you may rephrase your question as "Who is in your family?", instead of "married? kids?". Also don't complement on some child as "She looks just like your spouse, etc" It will spare the embarrassment if the child is adopted.
Even if you don't adopt or influence someone to adopt, or can't just stop with one child or can't influence someone on that, you may at least need not create the social pressure for someone else. The tiniest bit you can do for the change.
In this densely populated country, where most of them reside in flats or closely walled houses, it is a joke to say that you can't find a companion for your child. You will be able to find some child atleast 2 or 3 years elder or younger in the same apartment or street. But there may be constraints such as you should like the other child and his or her parents, etc. Then the alternative is to find the parents of your wavelength in the class that your child studies. It takes effort, but it is probable that someone would match. Or we can just take the child out to play just by ourselves, so that we can also become fit in the process. Or just take them to the nearby beach or park to find a temporary friend to play with. Anything is possible if there is a will in that direction.
Since I grew up with a sibling I do understand what one of my friend pointed out once. When you finish college and go to work and then get married, slowly or abruptly, all the friends until then vanish. There are a few who stick around and it is pretty rare to maintain the relation with the same intimacy. Whereas the sibling relation stays, in some cases, becomes stronger and offers the emotional support that is much needed during that stage (especially for women). But there are fair number of cases, where the sibling does not even have the time or the opportunity to maintain the relation so. Once when I told a doctor I wish to stop with one child, she advised "the second child is not for you. It is for the sake of your first child. I was grown alone and though I have cousins, I am not able to share my childhood memories with anyone after my parents are gone. It is the sibling who grows along with you and witness those memories." Well, many of my relatives have strained relations with their siblings and do not wish to even talk to them, let alone share anything and in fact some wish they had grown alone so that they do not have to solve family issues related to them. So I would like to remind my dear fellow humans that siblings of both types are possible and you can't plan what kind of sibling one would have.
Since you can't anyway predict what kind of sibling your child would have, even if it is from the same womb, there are pretty equal chances that your child would get such a nice sibling with the one from a different womb. Also you can actually choose the sex of the child. Some of my friends say they wanted their girl child to have a sister, but a boy child was born. And some say the opposite. Next is you can choose the colour of the child matching to your genes and the first child too. Honestly, tell me how many of you actually like your child resembling your mother-in-law or sister-in-law? I have heard many complaints. So in any case you don't have the power to decide the resemblance of your child (to be born from you). Some children are born with absolutely no resemblance to their parents (taking genes from ancestors). So actually if you start grooming the adopted child in your family style, he/she will start looking more like you. And you don't have to go through the labour process. First time it is thrill. Second time you anyway know.
Ok now the dilemma is "even if I am convinced, will my spouse treat the children equally?" My question to you is how many parents actually treat both children equally? Most of them, have their favourite child due to the inherent qualities. It is not probable for you yourself to like both your parents equally, though you may think you are treating them equally. So why worry so much? You take the initiative and do your best to bring up this other child as your own. Well, if you say, I myself may have that problem. Let's take a case, you had the delivery at the same time some other mom had and the babies were switched accidentally and no one noticed. Wont you bring up this other child with as much love and care as you would with your own child? Now when you can do that unconsciously, you can do it consciously too. All you need to do is, just forget it was adopted and completely accept him/her as your own.
Now if your question is "Even if I convinced my spouse, my parents cannot treat them equally." Ok, now let me ask you a question. Did you and your sibling have the same attention from your relatives? I was the favourite for my grandmother out of all my cousins and some were in fact jealous about it. In my father's side (grandparents), one of my cousin was their favourite and some were clearly neglected. Most of my relatives like and treat my sister much more affectionately than me. Well what's wrong in that? A sweet loving and obedient child vs an angry rebel. Anyone would choose the first. Despite the best efforts of my parents, I wasn't their cup of tea. So why really seek approval when it anyway can happen with your own second child?
There is and will be inequalities and unfair treatment in every walk of life. Even if you were lucky to escape it, couldn't you atleast see it happening in someone else's life? In most families the mother contributes much more than the father in the upbringing of the child. But most do not really mind in fancying their father's name as their last name. So why mind about this inequality alone? We don't live in an ideal fair world. Isn't it wiser to bring up your child resilient to these issues rather than trying to avoid them shallowly? Isn't it beneficial to bring up your child as an attention giver rather than an attention seeker? By attention giver, I mean giving attention with wonder on the simplest to complex things in life. When your child's mind is active and seeking knowledge, he/she would not be seeking attention. This would help your child explore his/her complete potential rather than be emotionally handicapped and worry about things that do not matter or that are destructive in nature. So you need to learn to keep your child busy and energetic.
Well if your answer is I don't have time for all that. Then why are you planning for the second? If you can't bring up one child properly, why burden this planet with another unhappy child? Don't ever think your second child will do your work. Second child means double work, double expenses, etc, not less. One of my acquaintance, who is a widow, happened to stay with her son and daughter-in-law and hence had to do the cooking as well as take care of her grandson. She was exhausted in the process. When her son and daughter-in-law planned for the second baby, she was despaired about the next upcoming burden. If you are dependent on someone to bring up your child then their opinion matters the most. If they bring up your child as a burden, it is definitely going to affect the child psychologically, leave alone the moral of you exploiting someone.
Ok if you have the time and the energy, why should you adopt? At the current population rate you own child will not have healthy food and clean water.Your grandchild will have a struggle to survive. Forget about your great grandchild, they wont even exist as the humans would be extinct by then. So do you want to be responsible for bringing this race to extinction? Do you want the hatred of your grandchild leave alone your own child? I am sure a lot of the current generation is cursing the baby boomers generation for this overpopulation and the problems due to that. But what have you done for that? Next time you see the fully jammed road or a crowded temple or face unemployment or worse still become bankrupt, remember this question. What have you done to mend the problem your forefathers have created? Well, if you raise your eye brows and say, just one more child, what is the great difference? The problem is most of the population think this way and actively contribute in speeding the growth. Some state religious reasons, some are ignorant. In any case, only when you understand, you can inspire someone. And thus we unitedly can reverse the problem. If you are just adding one more, so will your friends and relatives and everyone you influence.
Well if you shrug your shoulders and say "come on I belong to the elite class, my child is only going to contribute better to the society.", I beg to differ. There are several reasons. Firstly, just by paying taxes or leading a wealthy life does not necessarily contribute better to the society. Your view translates to "me having a child is more useful to the society than a poor human having a child". This is an extremely materialistic flawed view. You never know which genius is going to come out of a poor human's child. If this point of view becomes the majority, then even a rule may come that based on the family income, the number of children you can have will be sanctioned. Sarcasm aside, I would like to point out that mostly poor people are uneducated and lack the awareness of the problems related to overpopulation. Only if we educated people, who can understand the issues related to population, act on it, we can educate our fellow humans too. It would be inhuman to go and say anyone you cannot have a child or two because you are poor, but I will have because I am well-educated and highly placed in the society. Even in an absolutely materialistic view, this society needs labourers as much as it needs software engineers. Thankfully we are still not in the era of i-robot. Secondly what if some misfortune befalls your family, something that which is out of your control (Eg: The wealthy Jews became paupers in Hitler's regime). Ok if that is far fetched what if your own child is born with deformities or more lightly does not have the intelligence or the potential to be as successful as you? There is no guarantee in any birth right? Thankfully we have still not reached the era of genetically modified superior humans. Nor do we have any guarantee what would happen in one's life such as accidents, wrong influence, etc. So you having a second child contributes to the overpopulation and its related problems as much as a poor human's.
One more reason for why you should adopt is HUMANITY. Some people give me a cold response, "I don't care. I am bothered only about me and my family" Such people can skip this section. The below point would make sense only to people who have some moisture left in their heart. (literally translated from tamizh :)) For non-tamilians, read it as
"only to people who are not stone-hearted."
We are living in a society where there are so many orphanages. Some people have the inclination to atleast donate or help such organisations. Please take an extra step and adopt the child as your own. The reason is, however well-maintained is the orphanage, a child is well-nurtured in a family. Give that opportunity to that child. You and I are well-educated because of the family that we were born. Why don't we give that opportunity to another innocent child? Isn't it a sorry state so many fertility centres as well as orphanages are there at the same time? If you are not naturally conceiving and really adore to have a child, then please adopt a child.
If you are naturally conceiving and definitely want to experience the pregnancy and labour, and have the time and enthusiasm to bring up a child, then just have one child.
If you do not have the time or enthusiasm or the burning desire to bring up a child, then please don't have one for the pressure of your parents or social circle. You are creating a mess in your own life as well as your child's. Most criminals have a history of a horrible childhood. Some parents complain that their spouse was not co-operating or worse still separated and hence could not provide the required environment for the child. Have a child only if you can take complete responsibility no matter what happens with your spouse. Some orphanages have children of one parent too and that is the reason I am stating this explicitly.
If you have not completely got in terms with your spouse, (especially in case of arranged marriages), then please don't plan a child. Your problems will definitely NOT settle after you have a child like your social circle advised. It will only become worse. Then either the child has to witness the ever-fighting unhappy inharmonious couple for the next 20 years (In India, the tradition is no matter what, the couple do not get divorced, though this situation is changing in cities and towns), or will be left with a parent who despises the child. Bring up a happy child or do not create the crime of producing a yet another unhappy child.
Some say having a child is a stage of life. Hell NO! Marriage itself is not a stage of life. If you have the urge and found the right person, then get married. Otherwise it is better off living single than a miserable married life. Marriage is meant for companionship and sharing. Not a license.
So definitely it is not a stage. I have seen happy couples who did not have children and are having a wonderful life. A child is a boon when you are ready physically and emotionally. But can turn to be a curse if you had not made yourself ready for it.
Once I went to one's home whom I did not know well. I saw a child's photo in her TV stand and asked "So you have a son?" She said "I don't have kids and her face turned sorrowful. It was her sister's son. I felt absolutely guilty for asking that. I did not know what to say next and closed the conversation as quickly as possible and left. I had been asked several times after I got married (before I had my child) "So how many kids?" by anyone whom I meet. I, with no hesitation and a broad smile would say "None". I will control my grin when I see that sympathetic expression. Though this question has never touched me, I was sad that I hurt someone else with that question. So I decided next time I will ask a stranger "Who is in your family?", instead of "Are you married? How many kids?" Just my bit to reduce the social pressure. So you may rephrase your question as "Who is in your family?", instead of "married? kids?". Also don't complement on some child as "She looks just like your spouse, etc" It will spare the embarrassment if the child is adopted.
Even if you don't adopt or influence someone to adopt, or can't just stop with one child or can't influence someone on that, you may at least need not create the social pressure for someone else. The tiniest bit you can do for the change.
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